'Make Every Man Want You' - Marie Forleo

Said friend who recently loaned me ‘All the Rules’ has now shared with me a little book that is it’s polar opposite. This book is ‘How to make every man want you’. Not one man. Not THE man. But ANY and EVERY man.

This is a pretty sensational promise, and if it worked, I’d have Tom Hardy, Rafael Nadal and David Boreanaz (to name but a few) clawing at my door with all the frustration and insistence that only a madman crazed by a woman can muster. But what I liked about the premise of this book was that it professed itself to be the antidote to formulaic books such ‘All the rules,’ which encourage target behaviours and punish anything free-thinking, wilful or in the moment. The issue I take with such books is that they sound like the kind of guide that would enable you to pass your exams. They are the AQA textbooks of the dating world.

In these books, X + Y – Z ALWAYS equals SSSFDFKDAS, and as we all know, all’s fair in love and war. These books try to train you to be one of Pavlov's salivating dogs. Forleo offers a different approach.

We can all conjure up a story where a woman did everything RIGHT (by rules standards) but ended up with a less than desirable result. We can also summon numerous examples of women who did everything WRONG and still landed the man of their dreams (one such fictional example that springs to mind is Gloria from 'The Wedding Crashers').



Most importantly though, unless you are inherently focused on a marriage and family in the imminent future and therefore weeding out the bad guys is an absolute necessity in time saving, WHO CARES? Love, dating and relationships should be FUN, not prisons of enforced behaviour, martyrdom, rejection, neglect, abuse and mind games. We probably all pepper and sprinkle our romantic endeavours with a FEW playful flakes just to keep the magic alive, but there’s a ludicrous gap between ‘teasing and playing’ and ‘MINDFUCKING YOU’.

I snuggled up in bed; half awake and devoured this book in a day. It was written in such a frivolous, mischievous and open manner that something about it was quite satisfying, like a tall glass of water after floundering in a dessert (after being chucked glasses of lavender juice – probably something a rules girl would drink…)

Besides, for those who have recently googled the rules authors, it doesn’t seem as if their marriages panned out too well (not to gloat at this fact). It is proven that men love challenge and mystery, but if your pre-marriage self is a constructed façade, then the reality when you marry and can finally be ‘yourself’ must feel like getting hit by a tuck. Forleo, who also consequently married her husband, takes a refreshingly ‘live in the now’ spin on her situation, explaining that she does not know what the fates have in store for her marriage, only that for now, that is the state she finds herself in.

Forleo's book encourages the following:

* Know the in's and out's of 'irresistibility 101' - being responsible and present

* Knowing the 5 truths - a relationship will not save you, relationships are spiritual opportunities, not a needs exchange, life is now - this is it, men are as-is merchandise, or love 'em and leave 'em baby and finally, if you want guarantees in love, you don't want love.

* Knowing the habits of unattractive women: neediness, insecurity, clueless communicating, unkempt appearance, a bitter attitude, cynicism and being boring in bed.

* Eight secrets to magnetizing men: to hell with the rules (amen), trash your perfect man checklist, when it's men vs. women, everyone loses, your parents didn't screw you up, drop your story, quite complaining and start engaging, get a life and keep it and perfect packaging.

It seems there are two types of girls.

There are 'rules' girls, who have been conditioned to believe (rightly or wrongly) that men and women behave in pre-ordained ways. Women must always be rescued, chased, hunted, wooed and won. Women must always be frilly, glittery and girly.

Then there are women who throw away the rules. Maybe sometimes they do it all wrong and get their hearts broken, but they are also being their authentic selves and learning along the way.

Firstly, I don't think men and women are so different. There are a few intrinsic differences, but much of what we are is what we are conditioned to be, by our families, peers, cultures, religions and societies. There is no typical man, nor a typical women, just individuals relating in unique ways. You can follow the rules and still not get what you want, or you can make your own rules. Life is for living. Nothing is forever. Furthermore, this guide is not explicitly a dating guide, but one for overall self-improvement. The advice provided can be extrapolated to friendships, business, well being and the world. It’s a giddy, girly guide that you can imagine mermaids and pixies adhering to.

I say: be a wise fool ;)

'All the Rules' - Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

I made a pact with myself that this year would be the year that I would follow my heart and go with the flow. I would ignore fear, ‘mental monologues’, ‘what if’s’ and ‘but you can’t do that’s!’. This would be the year of boldly going where I’ve never been before, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, whatever-ly…it would be a year of seizing opportunities and reacting to the gut instinct that says ‘GO!’ and not ‘well let’s just see whether 2+2 equals 4 first…’. After all, that’s what youth is for. Caution is reserved for adults who’ve been badly burned before.

See I think there’s something to be said for these gut instincts; they are our inner children, our animalistic urges, unconditioned by expectation, dread and anxiety, and completely isolated from others judgements and beliefs. Of course, a civilised human being can only act like a child or an animal for so long, and certainly a 2 year old in a 22 year old body, or a piranha in a 22 year old body, might be a little less appealing than say…a human kitten or Peter Pan.

Despite this, part of me is still deeply analytical and I do enjoy intellectualising things as much as I enjoy feeling. There is safety in studiously standing back and attempting to comprehend ‘leaky feelings’. Perhaps because of this tendency, a close friend of mine lent me a book called ‘All The Rules’.



‘All The Rules’ is basically a dating manual but for a very specific kind of woman. This woman is not looking for a man to occupy her Saturday night sit ins, this woman is looking for a husband. Now I can assure you all that that is NOT what I’m looking for. To be fair, I am only twenty two and the lightning bolt of babydom and wifehood may strike me yet, but I feel I am destined (if life is kind) to a life of freedom and adventure….this may be why labels and rules scare me as much as they comfort me. As soon as I put a label on a radical or exciting emotion, thought or occurrence, it immediately becomes ‘intellectualised’ and ‘kinda boring…’ I quite enjoy the mystery and intrigue of experiences that don’t quite fit a logical or rational explanation, which is probably why my favourite of all maddening emotional ventures is the rollercoaster of infatuation; the adrenal, hormonal, whimsical rush that belies definition and convention.

I should have known really that ‘All The Rules’ wasn’t for me. First of all it’s a manual. It’s a ‘don’t do this’ and ‘do do that’ way to get your future hubby. It’s guidance from traditional, conventional, old fashioned women who snagged their husbands with good home grown ladylike manners, class and aloofness (like the old movie stars).

The advice includes but is not limited to the following gems;

• Value yourself as a unique creature (probably like a unicorn or smurf)


• NEVER call him first. NEVER. Or you will die.


• NEVER tell him you like him, miss him, or love him first. OR YOU WILL DIE


• NEVER return his call quickly. Make him wait. OR YOU WILL DIE


• Never accept a date invitation for the Saturday any day past Wednesday. Presumably he will then think you are easy and boring and have nothing planned except eating cheetohs out of your hair and watching Mamma Mia.


• DIET. LOOK SPLENDID. GO FOR A JOG. EAT LEAVES. Basically look beautiful.


• Invent yourself some plans. Otherwise, if you don’t have anything to do, pretend that you did…presumably to make this lie believable you either have to stick to quite a simple and straightforward social event that requires no elaboration (‘Me and Tania went for lunch’ – too dull to require any embellishments). OR go for a big fat whooper of a lie that would dizzy any extrovert. I think I’d go with ‘I got up at the crack of dawn and rode on the back of wild skateboarding tigers through the Amazon whilst playing the bongos and chasing poachers to the verge of the new world’. You know something like that.


• If he upsets you, never tell him. Accept it or leave him, but NEVER admit that anything he does bothers you or holds any power over you.


• DON’T check up on him or ask him questions. Basically, show no interest in his life.


• Never admit to jealousy, distrust or feelings of inadequacy. Deal with these outside of your relationship, privately, but don’t communicate them to him.


• NEVER see him more than once a week – got to keep that lust and love alive!

Love/lust is a push/pull dance. You have to have the perfect balance of connection and distance. Connection becomes it naturally fosters a sense of closeness, compatibility and compassion, and distance to administer healthy doses of spice, mystery, freedom and desire. After all, familiarity breeds contempt and supposedly absence makes the heart grow fonder.

The problem lies in the fact that we all want different kinds of relationships. What we feel we can offer and what others want from us are usually very different and sometimes, in direct conflict. The real truth is that most of us don’t really know what we want, or we think we do until we have it. Then there’s the dilemma of maintaining what we have when it can all so easily, pardon my French, go to shit. Further to that, there's the fact that men and women are expected to act so differently and normally for good reason in the dating world. Yet there's always that one person who actually LIKES it when a woman is aggressive and forthright in her hunt for a man, or the woman that loves a shy, passive dude.

Human nature is a fickle, greedy, selfish and confused beast, but it can also be one of great altruism, kindness and closeness. I know there are times when I could barricade myself away in a room with nothing to live on but cuddles, and other times when my desire for freedom would be enough to cause me to set sail in a pirate ship far away from any other human companion. I think most of us are probably alike in this respect.

But like I said, this book wasn’t made for me. This book was made for people who KNOW what they want, or THINK they know; they want a husband, marriage and family. In that case, why waste time with weirdoes, committmentphobics and time wasters? For these women, this book is probably a bible. It ensures that the only guys that will even bother with you will have the patience of a Saint; you will weed out the chronic chasers, the flakes and the guys that don’t really want you. The ones that run your marathon of self-flagulation and rainbow chasing will be confident, ambitious and really really sure that you are the one that they want.

Truth be told, I can see why these rules may work, especially for the traditional woman who wants to be wooed. This guide works on the premise that men like challenge and they like to conquer. They don’t want a woman on a plate (not really), they want to woo and win her. They want the frustration, the intensity, the anxiety of having to run around after you, wade through the minefield and jump the hurdles you set out, whilst you casually breeze about in a waft of perfume like a beautiful, sexy skunk. This is supposedly the science behind why men like football and beating the crap out of each other. If you hand them anything without the promise of a war or struggle, they simply lose interest. Generally, I would say this is true of men. What draws them to women is her initial mystique combined with the glimmer of some connection. But at the end of the day, no matter how many games you play or races you run, all relationships (except the rare few, and these are probably wildly dysfunctional…and even dysfunction becomes boring and repetitive after a while!) fall into a pattern and lose the sheen and shimmer of their earlier passionate days. If those days lasted, we’d all be wandering around in swoons, emotional, outcast wrecks glued to our phones, disintegrating into tears when we have to be prized away from our lovers for five seconds.

To the women that want a hubby and a big white wedding, I would encourage them to at least attempt this advice. It’s tried and tested, well-worn and it will definitely put the men in your life to the test. For those of us that aren’t sure what we want and just want to enjoy the ride, I would instead advocate going with the flow and throwing all advice and guidance to the left while you struggle and swim through the fluctuating waves of human relationships.

This book just doesn’t fit with my ‘go with the flow attitude’ for the year…but still…I might hold off being the first to reveal how I feel….

'The Undateables'

Aired: Tuesday 3rd April 2012

Channel 4



When adverts for ‘The Undateables’ began to air, viewers automatically fell into one of two camps. There were those who, suffering from a reality TV malaise, assumed the show would be exploitative and shameless, and there were those who were generally (and perhaps shamelessly) interested in what rendered someone ‘undatable’. These kinds of shows evoke a bizarre voyeuristic urge in me. Any show that gives me a glimpse into another person’s life always intrigues me. This is how I’ve been unwillingly sucked into shows such as ‘The World According to Paris’ and ‘Audrina’, because despite how scripted and false they are, I enjoy peeking over the white picket fence.



Despite the provocative and controversial title, ‘The Undatables’ is a very human look at the difficulties several individuals living with different disabilities have to endure in the dating world, which is hard at the best of times for the best of us, in an increasingly shallow and superficial society. First we meet Richard, an aspergers sufferer, who douses himself in cologne prior to his date and eats her food. Richard has an endearing innocence to his character but finds it difficult to navigate the dating world when his aspergers means that he only likes to date women within a certain radius and he can’t always pick up on social cues in conversation. We then meet Luke, a tourettes sufferer who is matched with the very accepting Lucy, who reacts only with mischievous laughter when Luke refers to her as a ‘slag’. Finally, we are introduced to trainee teacher Penny who suffers with extremely brittle bones that leave her wheelchair bound. Despite this, Penny dreams of the typical, TALL, dark and handsome boyfriend who will accept her for who she is.



Dating is always a minefield at best, but this show exposes what most of us know anyway, that anyone that doesn’t fit a preconceived mould will find dating harder than others, but also that there is someone for everyone (whether that someone wants them back is another story). I found this a very compelling watch and I truly felt for the characters. Even with their quirks and eccentricities, they were still very choosy (and so they should be).

So does the show exploit its characters? In my opinion, no. Sure, I can picture some 14 year old drones drinking beer and laughing at the TV, but that laughter might be more of a reflection on the ignorance of the viewers. I think the majority of watchers would enjoy this sensitive and honest portrayal of what dating is like for a disabled person. The search for love and acceptance is what makes us human, and it was a very sweet journey to watch these guys and girls bravely take that voyage.

Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll...what 4 things give your life meaning?

At different stages in our lives, different things are important to us. In childhood, we crave stimulation and variety, but we also need guidelines, boundaries and role models to help ensure that we survive this vulnerable developmental stage whilst also sating our indomitable curiosity about the world. In adolescence, we might be drawn to rebellious pursuits and tumultuous relationships. In adulthood, it might be our careers, reliable romantic lives or a desire for children that take centre stage. In our later years, we may find our contentment in grandchildren, travel or personal hobbies and interests.



The below table sets out Freud and Erikson’s separate theories on what we need at any given stage to develop into the people we become.

Approximate Ages	Freud's Stages of Psychosexual Development	Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development
Birth to 1 year	Oral Stage A child's primary source of pleasure is through the mouth, via sucking, eating and tasting.	Trust vs. Mistrust Children learn to either trust or mistrust their caregivers.
1-3 years	Anal Stage Children gain a sense of mastery and competence by controlling bladder and bowel movements.	Autonomy vs. Doubt Children develop self-sufficiency by controlling activities such as eating, toilet training and talking.
3-6 years	Phallic Stage The libido's energy is focused on the genitals. Children begin to identify with their same-sex parent.	Initiative vs. Guilt Children begin to take more control over their environment.
7-11 years	Latent Period The libido's energy is suppressed and children are focused on other activities such as school, friends and hobbies.	Industry vs. Inferiority Children develop a sense of competence by mastering new skills.
Adolescence	Genital Stage Children begin to explore romantic relationships.	Identity vs. Role Confusion Children develop a personal identify and sense of self.
Adulthood	According to Freud, the genital stage lasts throughout adulthood. He believed the goal is to develop a balance between all areas of life.	Intimacy vs. Isolation Young adults seek out romantic love and companionship. Generativity vs. Stagnation Middle-aged adults nurture others and contribute to society. Integrity vs. Despair Older adults reflect on their lives, looking back with a sense of fulfilment or bitterness.

 

Similarly, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (pictured below), also highlights what matters to us at different stages in time:

 

What spurred on my current interest in what we all want out of life was a discussion on topical chat show ‘The Wright Stuff’ during which panellists, callers and audience members shared the four  thoughts, emotions or pursuits that shaped their life’s – the things that mattered. One caller explained that exploration, adventure, consciousness and ethics were what mattered to him, my mother ventured health, love, contentment and happiness and achievement for all those she loved. One particularly apathetic panellist, Frankie Cocozza could not see beyond the superficiality of sating his own desires for fame, sex and drink. But what the show was inviting us to do was look deeper, and to think about what we really do want, not what we think we want, say we want, pretend we want, or what others want for us.

 What are your deepest darkest desires? What is your untold wish? What would bring you happiness? What do you want life to give you? What do you want from others? What matters to you?

 Do you want power, success, contentment, love, to make a difference, to win awards, to be recognised, to be applauded, accepted, to push boundaries, to be free?

At any given stage in time, what we want may change. We may decide we want to learn to paint or play the saxophone. We may end relationships, pursue new careers or move house. What these changes really reflect is that something in us wants something different. I believe deeply, that outside of what culture, society, religion, media, and even those that love us dictate; we know for ourselves instinctively what would make us happy. If we hack away at the superficiality of appearances, material possessions and renown, what do we really want? A desire to be beautiful and admired would suggest what we truly want is acceptance and admiration. Cravings for material wealth would suggest a desire for stability and security. Renown would suggest we want to be recognised for an achievement and for others to recognise what we are capable of.

In light of this, I have tried to narrow down my own wants and dreams, my own expectations and desires for my life into four sections, which truthfully is a difficult thing to do.

 

Health

Until my mother suggested health, this one did not even enter my mind, but without health, mental, emotional and physical, we can’t achieve much at all. It’s easy to take for granted the ability to walk, see, hear, speak, sleep soundly and know that another day is sure to follow. Someone suffering with cancer, dementia, depression or severe arthritis, can’t necessarily see past the pain and misery of day to day existence to the dreams that lie beyond. Health is important and essential for all else to follow. For this reason, I hope that life blesses me with good health so that I can make my dreams come true.

 

Adventure

All the worlds a playground and I believe each person deserves at least one adventure. We are obsessed with films, music, games and the internet. This suggests to me that we all enjoy getting lost in alien worlds, that are often virtual and artificial, but how amazing would it be if our adventures could be real, tangible, could become a memory? Your idea of an adventure might be a love affair, travelling the world, going on a road trip or camping in the woods. I have a deep desire to see the world and take it all in for the rush of the new and the exciting and for the newfound appreciation of home when I return. I hope that the world always interests me and always offers voyages, exploration and adventure.

 

Success

Your successes and achievements may not comfort you when you are sick but I believe each person is born with their own unique interests, talents and motivators. To live life making a living out of the talents, passions and interests that bring you joy and fulfilment is something that matters a lot to me. Essentially we live in a world of offices and retail and many of us have to settle for these positions at one time or another. I wish that I am free to use my talents and interests to provide my source of income and bring about my own success.

 

Love

I would think this one would be on everyone’s list. It is after all, the most important thing. Love for your family, friends, neighbours, communities, animals, nature and yourself. Love for the small things that make you smile and the big things that change your life. Joy and gratitude for the things that go right, and acceptance and tolerance when things go wrong. Love makes the world go round and I wish that my life is filled with people and things to love, and that they’ll love me too. Individual relationships may not work out and people may let you down, but love is not restricted to one person or one experience. True love is the love of life and of living and of sharing that with all you meet, however long they may be with you.

What four things form the bedrock of your life? I hope that you achieve them and bring them into action whenever and however you can.

Advice from a 90 year old!

I'm not usually one for passing on the dreaded 'chain email', but I promise you this email won't threaten you with the sinister implication of death if you don't forward it to at least seven of your friends, nor will your crush kiss you at midnight should you decide to pass it on.

This is tried and tested advice from a been-there-done-that 90-year-old, and I think it's worth blogging for you all to read :) They say youth is wasted on the young, so sometimes it takes someone who's lived a good few years to remind us of what matters and what doesn't.

___

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of Cleveland, Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.



3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry..

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.



18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.



22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.



24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.



28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.



37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.



39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.



40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."